Get punched by Mike Tyson …or… be locked in a cage with his pet tiger for two minutes

The force behind Mike Tyson’s fist is estimated to be 1800 psi. Supposedly, his punch is powerful enough to kill a full grown cow in one shot.

Frick that, give me the tiger.

Mike Tyson is an insane man. He bit off a guys ear in a match. Need I say more?
A punch to the face from a beast like that would rock my dome. I am positive that a hospital visit would soon follow, if not, then the morgue.
I am not a boxer. I do not have any sort of iron chin.
He has a face tattoo.

I imagine his tiger to be much friendlier. Tell me, who looks more aggressive in this picture?

Really Im not all that scared to be in a cage with a tiger, especially a tiger that has been desensitized to people. If I was being locked in a cage with some wild jungle tiger then I would be in for it. But I’m sure Tyson’s kitty kat is nice and gentle. He would just want to play a bit.
There really would be nothing to worry about. I’ve seen enough National Geographic to face off with a Tiger. You just have to hide all signs of fear, not run, and if worse comes to worse… fetal position and pray for dear life.
Also, I learned a lot of tips from the Hangover. I’d make sure to bring some pepper with me to keep him satisfied. And I could cover myself in cinnamon so he wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

Frankly, a punch from Mike Tyson is a guaranteed concussion and likely death sentence. A 2 minutes in a cage with his deadly house pet is a guaranteed good story if I survive.


Be A Contestant on Deal or No Deal …or… Who Wants to Be A Millionaire

Lucky briefcase or 12 trivia questions?

When I go into a casino I’m not one to play the slots. I want some sort of control so I play a hand of cards at blackjack.

Deal or No Deal just is not my cup of tea. I have not watched it as much as I have watched Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and when I have, it always seems to go south real quick-like. There is no way to guarantee your success while playing. It is just one big gamble.

So my choice is definitely to be a contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I would spend a solid week or two in the library reading all sorts of random books and watching Discovery channel and what not. Then I would soar through those questions like I was a bald eagle (which is native to the North-Ameircan continent). I already know who my phone-a-friend would be too. I would call upon my unbelievably brilliant high school english teacher Mr. Reuss. He knows everything that people don’t need to know like the origin of the word avocado.

I am pretty confident that I can get some good money off the show. Probably not the million dollar question but its a better chance than Deal or No Deal.

I’d like to take the time though to tell you that I have witnessed Deal or No Deal first hand. …Not the actual show but at my school. I wasn’t the contestant, I was… well uh… just look… I’m on the left.
















By the way… avocado comes from a word that means “alligator pears.” No lie, saw it in a book.

be a jet fighter pilot …or… a world class deep sea diver

Do I get to have my own jet at my house?

Epic is the word I think of when I imagine flying a jet fighter plane. Breaking the sound barrier, dropping bombs and shooting missiles, and getting paid to do it. Sounds like an adrenaline rush. Movies like Top Gun and Stealth make me wish I were one of those guys. It would be an adventure, thats for sure. I  would be the coolest cat on the block. All the chicks would dig me. Plus, I could wear aviators all the time and no one could judge me!
Downside though… its just a job. How often do pilots get to say, “Hey, I’m taking the F-16 out for a spin. I’ll be back for dinner!”
I’m assuming never. It’s not like its that big of a deal. It would still be incredible to have a job that allows me to do that. But when comparing it to a “world class” deep sea diver… come on? I know most guys would pick jet fighter pilot as if it is no competition but I think being a deep sea diver has more benefits.

I’ve always wanted to be a diver. I think it would be extremely cool. I want to swim through boat wreckage, play games with dolphins, and find Nemo. Although it is a job, I could go deep sea diving a lot more often then I could go flying if I were a pilot. Plus, if I was a “world class” diver then I’m making money. I don’t know how much money but I do know that “world class” is not how you spell broke. And if I ever needed some extra change then I would dive down to an old pirate ship and find me a treasure chest. That seriously happens. It’s illegal, but it does happen.

Sorry Tom Cruise, I’m gonna hang with Shamu!

suck on a live cattle prod for 5 minutes …or… spend 1 year in prison

Live cattle prod in my mouth = lots of pain, seared tongue, and no more ability to speak

Lock me up!
Not only would it suck to suck on a cattle prod but I see a bright side to being in prison.
Sucking on a live cattle prod takes something away, speaking, while spending a year in prison can actually boost one’s resumé.

A year is not that bad. It is like an all-expenses-paid vacation. Free food, free room and board, and free gym and library access for the good boys.  Sound great to me.
Plus, there is a lot to be learned in prison.
1. I guarantee after a month my people skills will improved 100%. You can’t be the awkward penguin in prison, its just not safe. I would learn how to negotiate and manipulate. I would learn the laws of respect and the slang of the streets. Charisma would be my middle name. I’ve seen the movies; in prison you have to know how to talk to people and what not to say. One wrong word and no body likes you.
2. I bet nothing builds a good social network like a year in prison. I’m not talking Facebook. I mean connections with people who know people that people want to know. I would be very selective and make sure I make the right friends right away. I couldn’t get tangled up in dead end relationships. I want to be friends with the guy that decides who sits where at lunch. From what I can tell, it’s like fraternities. Once you’re out, you meet up with someone from your alma mater and they hook you up with a sweet job!
3. I always feel I need more time and prison is where its at! I would spend my time maximizing brains and bronze. That whole gym and library thing is important. Size is important in prison. I would need to be strong so the other inmates admire me rather than push me around. So I would save up my bottle caps and buy some P90X. But I need to stay balanced. I would read plenty of books so that the other boys know that I am smarter. You think that wouldn’t play well in prison? Well, go watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The smart chimp is the leader if you haven’t noticed. Brains and bronze adds up to the perfect formula for running the prison scene. By the time I’m done I’d be making money off those fools through personal training and tutoring.
4.  There is also a variety of practical skills to be learned in prison. I could learn how to make tools out of kitchen utensils. I’d become a skilled knife fighter. I would learn how to make some nice chalk art. Poker would be my new pastime. And I could take up swindling to relax me before a good nights rest.

All in all, you may see the as glass half empty of dirty, unfiltered prison water but I see it as half full of potential!

Make 300,000 a year doing something you hate …or… Make 60,000 a year pursuing your passion

Pursue your dreams, do what you love! …right?

They say money doesn’t buy happiness. But it does buy stuff that makes you happy.
300 grand a year is a good income. I would be down with making that. Who wouldn’t?
But is it enough to spend the rest of my work life in misery?
Honestly, I don’t think so. What good would It be to drive your nice car home to your big house so that you can watch your big screen tv and go out to some overpriced restaurant if you had to spend your 9 to 5 thinking about smashing your head in a copy machine?
Hmm.. fair trade off?

Now, what about living on a low income but being fulfilled?
I guess it would be nice to come home feeling satisfied even though ramen would be your main dinner course.
And who needs a mattress when your dreams are fulfilled?

In all seriousness and stuff though, I think I would be more. content doing what I loved versus something I hate. I don’t. care about any price you cant pay me to throw away my dreams.
I will become the best blogger in the world and no one is gonna stop me! ….unless I make a billion a year… or a million that will do.