have to wear a full body, red leotard on your wedding day …or… have the person you are marrying that day wear a full body, red leotard

I’m down with wearing it as long as it looks like this.

I know it would have to be full body but I at least want the lightning bolt on the front.

Honestly, I would rather have my wife-to-be wear the leotard. No, its not because I’m some self-centered jerk who worries about himself more than his wife. I just know that If I showed up to my wedding in a full body, red leotard then there is not gonna be a wedding. Women start dreaming about their weddings when they are little kids! They find significance in every little detail and want everything to be perfect. I would not want to be the one to ruin the entire day because I don’t know how to make appropriate attire choices. If she came walking down the isle and saw a giant fire extinguisher standing at the altar then I would be getting a divorce before the vows are said. She can wear the leotard because I don’t wanna be in that seat.

On the other hand, what kind of man would make his wife wear the worst wedding wardrobe of all time? I don’t think I could cause her that much sadness either. The wedding dress is a big deal. Women spend weeks picking dresses out and they can cost as much as the ring! I don’t want to take that from my wife on account of my being terrified of her wrath.

So in the end, as long as my wife knows that I’m doing it for her, make me look like a lobster!

be able to survive a fall from any height without injury …or… be able to pull out any Acme Corporation product out of your pocket

Well the downside to the latter option is that Acme Corp. products don’t work.
Or at least they didn’t for the coyote…

I never understood why  Wile E. Coyote kept shopping at the Acme store. If the short fused rocket didn’t kill the road runner the first time then why did you expect the anvil to? Come on obviously the products weren’t credible. At first it  seemed like user error but it became obvious that the Corporation simply did not produce quality goods. They had great ideas but lets be real, rockets on roller skates just isn’t practical.
I must admit that I would want to pull Acme products out of my pocket at any time but it would probably cause me more harm then fun. It would be nice if they did work though. I think some of the products would come in handy, just imagine the practical applications…

 

Surviving a fall from any height is my choice. Imagine skydiving. No parachute, no problem. I would have some fun with that. I could stand on any cliff, any building edge, or climb to the tip of any tree without the fear of plummeting to my doom. Sure, it wouldn’t come in handy for much practical application. I don’t spend a lot of time in dangerously high places to begin with. However, if I knew that I could fall and be perfectly fine then I would push my limits. Although, this would cause some problems. I already know I would pull some stunt like jumping into the Grand Canyon. Sure I would be fine, but how would I get out? Plus, the question never said anything about surviving tumbles down mountains or whatever it is that I have to deal with upon landing.
So I would always have to make sure my landing spot is safe in itself.
Its cool and all if I can jump out of a plane and survive the impact of hitting the ground, but that’s not important if I happen to land on the freeway and get by a semi.

 

 

have no phone …or… have no internet

Speaking of… my iPhone 4 is currently broken. It has had a crack in the screen for some time now but over the weekend I pulled it out of my pocket to discover that it happened to shatter and the LCD was dysfunctional as well so I could not make out anything on the screen.

Very inconvenient.

A phone is a necessary part of life. You can go 40-80 days without food and 3 days without water but 1 day without a phone and your world comes to an end. It is pathetic really. However, I have survived the past three days without a functional phone so call me immortal. It just irritating when it vibrates and I don’t know why. The touch screen still works and I can receive calls but it is all a guessing game.
These days without my phone have actually been beneficial though. I am really learning a lot. For example, I unnecessarily reach for my phone out of habit, people don’t try to contact me as much as I like to think, and the iPhone 4 combines the glass and LCD screen into one piece so its one-hundred whopping dollars to replace.
But the lack of phone has really reduced stress. I have been overloaded lately and not being able to waste time with Angry Birds is leaving me with no excuse to procrastinate. Honestly, I think this is God’s way of answering my prayer for less stress and more time to get things done.

I am forever grateful that my Macbook is still functioning properly. The internet is necessary not for Facebook but for fulfilling my responsibilities. I need to use this worldwide web thing to complete homework, do research, send and receive emails, and a cornucopia of other tasks. Its not even an attachment need. I have to use the internet to access online accounts for school and work. There is not many options I have outside of it.

So I will much rather give up my phone and keep the internet.
I even have a solution for the communication hinderance this would create… a secretary.

 

 

 

lose your legs …or… lose your arms

I don’t know why but whenever I imagine losing limbs I always picture a shark attack. For some reason, that is my default cause for limb loss, I don’t imagine any sort of medical tragedy or anything… just shark attack.

Well any who, the cause isn’t the problem. I have to lose either my legs or my arms by shark attack, misplace them, car runs them over, heroic military feat, or whatever.  Doesn’t matter the cause, I have to pick one.

I have never seen someone without both arms. I have met a couple people with just one but not without both. I have met a guy with one arm that just had a thumb for one hand and the other arm one was severely crippled with just a thumb on the end of that hand too. He was a wrestler and we called him ‘nubs’ because he would always take those crazy nub thumbs of his and drive them into our rib cages until we squealed like a hog.
That is really my only reference point for what it would be like with no arms. However, Nubs had something to work with. I’m imaging no arms at all. That would be terrible. I take my arms for granted  every day. Without them I would not be able to pick stuff up, wear backpacks, catch a frisbee, or even type on my computer right now. I guess I could learn to use my toes.. Really, I think its my hands that I really care about. But those arms are very necessary. There would be no point in having hands with no arms. Imagine that; walking around with hands coming out of your shoulders.

I think I would much rather go without legs. I have known a couple different kids without legs, wrestlers too. There were tough stuff. These guys had the strongest arms I have ever seen because they would use them as legs. I loved the tournaments when you would see these guys zip across the mats to get to their match. I swear they all had rabbits blood in them because they were fast, just darting around the room. It was probably because walking on their arms would ware them out pretty quickly.

I would definitely keep my arms and loose my legs. The arms are much more useful and important. The legs don’t do much besides walking and kicking..
Now I am just picturing the legless me climbing a tree, swinging from branch to branch with nothing but arm.

have the most yellow teeth in the world …or… have the most toe jam in the world

A quick search in the all knowing Google helped me realize that I completely underestimated the intensity of yellow teeth or severity of toe jam that is plaguing the world.
I would show you pictures but I just would not feel right about that. Some of it was “that bad.”

Yellow teeth would make for horrible first, second, and third impressions. The smile is one of the first things people notice about each other. A smile that looks like the yellow brick road is gonna make people wish they could go home. Most people have teeth that are far from pearly white. A faded tint of yellow is pretty common. However, looking like you ate a highlighter is inexcusable.
Having the worlds most yellow teeth would be unbelievable difficult to fix. Forget about using Crest White Strips. I would need to bleach those suckers.

Now, toe jam would be bad too. I’ve never scene unusual amounts of toe jam before so I don’t have much of a reference to imagine the worlds worst case of toe jam. The worst I’ve had is those little fuzzies I get after wearing black socks. Couldn’t get too gross, right? Wrong.
According to Dr. Blitz from the huffingtonpost, “Scabies, a parasitic skin mite, often burrows between the toes and is associated with poor hygiene” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/neal-m-blitz/toe-jam_b_894133.html).
According to the professionals, this stuff can get gnarly and basically become a little zoo for fungus and bacteria that shouldn’t be chilling between your toes.
Worlds worst toe jam = serious medical problem.

I am left with a tough choice. There is really no easy way out. Toe jam seems like it would be easier to hide but the consequences seem a lot worse than having the yellow teeth. Teeth is the quicker fix though. It may cause half a grand to get my teeth whitened but it would be done and over with unlike the ordeal I would go through to clean the pets off my feet.