be an excellent security guard …or… be a terrible FBI agent

At some point in every young lad’s life, there is a desire to wield a gun, wear a badge, and kick some bad guys crass mouth.

FBI agents get to do just that. They have the badge and the gun. When it comes to protecting and serving, these guys are top notch. In the eyes of normal, everyday, run of  the mill citizens these guys (and gals) are superheroes.

But what about that one guy who barely passed the entrance exam? That guy who only got the job because his uncle runs the department. The one who crashes his Prius into a crime scene. You know, that guy who does paper work all day.

Would working for the FBI be worth it if you were the worst?

I don’t think I would like it. I’m sure the perks would be nice. I could brag to the chicks. The pay would definitely be better then working security. But I would be miserable.
Being an FBI agent is about the action, the pride in knowing you are making a difference, the respect! You don’t get that if you’re terrible and end up pushing papers all day.

I know what you’re thinking though.
“It doesn’t matter how terrible of an FBI agent you are, it is better then being a security guard!”

Well, I beg to differ.

If I am an excellent security guard then I will have respect from my co-workers and employers. Sure, society may think I am nothing more than a second rate rent-a-cop but I would prove them wrong.

I share the views. I have ran into many lowly security guards who let their law enforcement fantasies take their ego on a power trip.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.
I wouldn’t settle to be some parking lot cop. My mission would be to become private security for a big shot CEO or celebrity. Thats when things get glorious.

I would be paid well.
I would be issued a firearm.
I could wear cool leather jackets and slick black shades.
Plus, I would be excellent.
No evildoer would get past me.
I would guard the objective and keep my perimeter secure.
I would inspire children.
I would be the hope for security enforcers everywhere.

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witness the Aurora Borealis …or… visit the Great Barrier Reef

2 of the world’s natural 7 wonders.
which to choose?

I’ve always been an admirer of sea life. Scuba diving, swimming with dolphins, and searching the wreckage of a sunken ship have always been on my bucket list. Visiting the Great Barrier Reef is now on that list too.
Marvelous beauty lies under the surface of the oceans. Creation is amazing, and I would love to explore such a wonder.
Not only is the reef itself a marvel to be held, but it is home to a diverse range of aquatic life. It would be like guest starring in Finding Nemo. Who knows, maybe I can even hitch a ride on a turtles back.
I would definitely enjoy a chance to explore undersea world of the Great Barrier Reef.

Out of the 7 natural wonders of the world, I imagine the Northern Lights to be the most miraculous. Pictures of the Aurora Borealis produce amazement. I am sure that witnessing the lights in person would be a breath taking moment.
Etymologically, the lights are connected with the divine and rightfully so because they reflect, what I imagine to be, the beauty of heaven.
I do desire to take a trip to either the northern or southern lights. I would expect the experience to be life changing and a story to tell my grandchildren.

It is settled. One day I will visit the heavenly Northern Lights. And hopefully the Great Barrier Reef too.
But if I had to make a choice, I would much rather visit the Aurora Borealis.

publish your diary …or… make a movie of your most embarrassing moment

It is not a diary. It is a journal.
I do keep a journal. Not very well, however. I only use it to record significant events in my life; moments that I do want to look back on. I record seasons of growth; of change; of heartache. Every once in a while I have a nostalgic whim and want to look back on my thoughts and experiences. A written record is helpful to recall specific experiences.
Unfortunately, I often neglect writing in my journal so it is missing many major events in my life.
But just to over clarify…
it is not a diary.!
“Diary” has such a girly connotation.
I do not record a sentimental monologue of all my secrets and deep troubles about what Suzy said to me at school the other day. But for the sake of today’s question I will tolerate using the term for my journal.

Thankfully, I do not often experience embarrassing moments.
I have had a few though, and I don’t need to ask the mirror on the wall which of my moments is the most embarrassing of them all. I am fully aware of which it is.

Yup.

14 years old. Car full of cousins and brothers. Driving to San Diego for a holiday. Decided to take the Coronado Bridge for the view. Got stuck in traffic in the middle of the city. Had to pee the entire 3 hour drive.

I’ll tell you now. I would not rather publish my diary journal. It is not that it is full of dirty little secrets. Okay, it might be but you will never know. Honestly, I just don’t think it would sell. My mom might buy it, but other than her, it would not do well on the market.
This would be unfavorable. I intend on publishing written work in my lifetime. I can’t tarnish my reputation by publishing my very poorly written, raw journal.
Maybe someday, after I spruce it up and toss in some fabricated anecdotes for entertainment purposes. But not today.

Well, we arrived at my cousins house. The long awaited toilet was just through the doors. My relief was in sight. Everyone, fully aware of my need to pee quickly exited the vehicle… except one.

My cousin, Dude, prevented my escape. I was stuck in the back seat of a van with one way out and my pressurized bladder rendered me incapable of fighting my way through his body barricade. Cruelty, it was.

He received his fill of demented entertainment at the expense of my agony and moments later I had stepped out of the vehicle onto the pavement. Across the street I could see my parents ready to greet us but my thoughts were fixated on the yellow brick road set before me and I was ready to meet the whizzerd.

The hope of relief covered me with a warmth that was like…no; it was too late. Standing there at 14 years old, in front of all my family, was I, in a sea of golden yellow.

Make a movie of it. I’d watch it. I’m a pants pisser and I’m proud.

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travel across the country: in a hot air balloon …or… on a train

*Recreational travel. You don’t have to be anywhere soon, its for the experience.

Float across the county in a basket suspended by hot air? I would love to.
A snippet of quick research informed revealed that a hot balloon pilot, though the balloon can fly higher, will typically fly anywhere between  tree-top level to 3,000ft. A ballon may travel low enough for a passenger to reach out and pluck a leaf from a tree.
That is an experience.
Not only are they beautiful to look at but a hot air balloon presents a unique view of the world.

I’ve always wanted to fly in a hot air balloon. Ironically, I have a isty bitsy little fear of heights. Honestly, it is nothing drastic but sitting in a weaved basket thousands of feet above the earth would make me a little uneasy. I could plan on getting over it though to experience the serene thrill of a hot air balloon ride.

Traveling 80mph cross country on the transcontinental would not be bad either.

It is not the speed that would get me.
I drive faster on the freeway.
It is, once again, the experience.
Watching the country fly by (figuratively) through the window of a train would be spiritual. Road trips always force me to contemplate life as I look out on to the passing horizon. Especially, being surrounded by mountains in Southern California, passing through states with vast, open land introduces me to a unknown creation. It may be dramatic but its true.
Then there is the interaction with the other passengers. Train rides are long, so mingling is inevitable. I love exchanging lives and life with unfamiliar individuals. Plenty of that would happen on a train ride across the nation.

Deciding between these experiences is quite the fix. They are both so wonderful to consider.

I do have a deal breaker though.
Hot air balloons travel with the wind, thus traveling speed is not in the hands of the pilot.
Resulting in the average traveling speed of a hot air balloon being 15 glorious mph.

Some day I will take a ride in a hot air balloon. However, I definitely do not want to make a lifetimes voyage across the country in one of those lovely snail baskets.
I’d rather take the train.

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What would you rather?

on April Fool’s Day: be the victim of a prank …or… fail at all pranks you attempt

Happy Fool’s Day!

Practical jokes come in all shapes and sizes. They can be light hearted or humiliating; simple or complex, but the best pranks are the ones that you dish out rather than receive.

Growing up with two brothers has honed my pranking skills to perfection. April 1st was never monumental for us because we pulled our tomfoolery every day of the year. Whether it be waking up to an electric fly swatter on the tip of the nose or being slipped ex-lax before being locked out of all the bathrooms you could expect shenanigans on a weekly basis.

The most important trait I picked up in my childhood of perpetual April foolishness is the ability to endure any prank thrown my way.
My brothers are creative. I have experienced enough from them to withstand being the target of most any “practical joke.”

So bring it on. If it be a mediocre bucket of water dumping on my head or a under ware drawer full of peanut butter, I will not be afraid.

I’d much rather be pranked than fail at all my attempts to prank.
The best part is, I’m ruthless and crafty.
Nowadays, I hardly initiate a prank war. I leave it to others to make the first foolish move. But once things commence, I don’t hesitate to reciprocate with a full forced prank assault.
Don’t be fooled though. I keep my best moves for last but my first strike is usually enough to discourage any retaliation.

To be clear though, I do have my rules of war.
1. Pranks are not to damage property.
2. Pranks are not to inflict lasting physical harm (pain is okay but not in excess).
3. Pranks are not to result in the possibility of losing a job, tarnishing a reputation, etc.

Other than that, it is basically a free for all.

Happy April Fool’s Day ya’ll!

If you want a good chuckle, check out these historical pranks.
My favorite is the Taco Liberty Bell.
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/